Before motherhood, I was entirely carefree. I don’t usually worry about so many things at all. I don’t care about the ideas like jumping out of a plane, leaving for another country, or spending time in a deserted place. I believe that I’m emotionally and mentally capable of handling all of the negative things that can come my way. But after giving birth, everything becomes entirely different. I am now more stressed, and I feel like anxiety and depression are taking over my life. Having a baby changed the whole course of my mental and emotional capacity.
The Consistent Mental And Emotional Struggle
Motherhood changed my perspective on a lot of things. I became more sensitive and out of control. Yes, it is a beautiful feeling to have a child that you can love and take care of the rest of your life. But what’s creeping up on me is the idea of not being able to provide my baby all the necessary things that promote better development. I often got scared of not always being there for my child, so I preferably avoid getting busy with other stuff. I feel anxious about unrealistic things that I picture might happen anytime I’m out of sight. There are times that I understand the situation and I know that things are not that bad in some instances. But, every time I think about how small and fragile a newborn is, I immediately feel the terror inside my core. I then assume that something is going to happen. I locked my thoughts with a lot of “what ifs.” These include the idea of my baby’s interrupted breathing, physical movements, loud cries, as well as silent gestures. There is tremor thinking that something would prevent me from watching and caring for my child.
Am I paranoid? Is this post-partum depression? Well, I guess that’s what you can call it. All I can see is danger everywhere in everything that surrounds my child. The list of things that now scares me is endless. Most of that is a bit ridiculous, unreasonable, and seems impossible to happen. I suddenly developed a lot of fear which I don’t previously have. That includes the turning off of lights where it suddenly becomes so freaking scary. And to add more, I started to watch out and be careful about everything I do and say in front of my baby because I believe that it creates an impact on the child’s development. People have no idea that I began having issues with clinginess. They don’t know I am currently devastated and afraid of being alone with my child. I felt tortured and immobilized.
All these emotional and mental states I am at are the most dreadful feeling I ever had. When I continuously think about it or say it out loud, it gives me a heavy feeling on my chest. It felt awful and scary. And when these thoughts began to work their way on creating a more specified adverse scenario in my head, it can make me cry non-stop. Yes, I worried too much about things I know I shouldn’t. But, I could not seem to help it. It is something I still couldn’t quite handle and explain. I can only describe the sensation as dullness and heaviness in all aspects of my overall health. Yes, I already recognized that I am suffering from a mental health condition and the anxiety has entirely stopped me from enjoying other beautiful things around me. But still, I knew that the ongoing process of recovery could take a while.
What I Learned From The Experience
Before having a baby, I entirely don’t understand the impact of fear, constant worry, and panic attacks. I can say that I lived my life based on exploring fun and excitement. But now, I’m living in a world where I can’t find the right answers to my psychological and emotional dilemma. Do I regret having a child? Well, of course not. It may sound strange to say this, provided that I intentionally wrote the negativity of my emotional and mental state, but motherhood is an incredible thing that ever happened to me. As a mother, it became my reality.