Pacifiers, Pumps, and the World
The Journey and the Craziness of Being A Mom
“Being a mother, I wasn’t expecting it to be like this,” says a new mom of a healthy baby boy from Oregon, Missouri. “It’s difficult and demanding. I love my baby, but since he arrived, it’s like I’m slowly losing parts of myself. I wish I could have, you know, prepared myself more.”
Do you have kids and are you raising them overly or obsessively? Do you even know how well (or not well) you are raising them?
Did you know that paranoid parenting can also affect your kid’s social development and mental health? As parents, you want the best for your child but as they grow, you need to be less fearful and give them minimal adult supervision. When they become young people, they experience social change and become adaptable to the environment.
Fearful parenting, prevalent in various cultures including the United States, often stems from anxieties about global development and societal challenges. Research methods exploring development parenting trends are crucial for understanding the impact of fearful parenting practices on children’s well-being in an ever-changing global landscape.
So, what is fearful parenting? Have you ever wondered whether you might be engaging with it? Let’s discuss more about this important topic.
As parenthood is concerned, we can know how our fears affect our children in so many ways, and we can know how to handle these issues. let’s take a deeper look into some of the pointers here in this article.
“American childrearing over the last few decades has transformed expected parental anxieties about child safety into paranoia,” wrote Molly S. Castelloe, Ph.D. I discussed how parents act about their kids on my Parenting And Paranoia blog. This isn’t just limited to the feeling that the world is dangerous for kids. Fearing that your children will fail, that they’ll get hurt, and that they’ll make mistakes are part and parcel of it, too. That’s considered paranoia.
Overprotective parents are setting their kids up for FAILURE. Why is that?
Instilling fear in them will make them fearful of the world in general.
Frank Furedi, author of Paranoid Parenting: Why Ignoring the Experts May Be Best for Your Child (Chicago Review Press), argued that this form of raising kids has been around for centuries, but has gained new momentum in recent decades due to high-profile campaigns.
His 2007 groundbreaking book claims that Great Britain is now an “intolerant society” where parents are making their judgments about what is best for their children and often ignoring even the experts. Ignoring the experts may lead to a situation where parents are so irrationally anxious about new threats that they hardly allow their children out of the house, as Furedi calls it.
Capable children are like empty sponges to water – they’ll soak up whatever you teach them, whatever they get from you. If you instill fear in them at a young age, they’ll bring that sense of dread with them as they grow up.
Remember that song Because Of You by singer Kelly Clarkson? It may be a lover-related song, but that sums up your kid’s future dilemma when she grows up under overprotective tutelage.
Doing things for them because you’re afraid they’ll fail.
When you think that because your kids can’t seem to do anything right will only give them a sense of entitlement. Let me give you a real scenario. I had a relative with a brood of five, the youngest being the only girl. Growing up, she babied her and treated her like a princess. Her youngest stayed with her mum until she was 40. Eventually, the woman got married to a widowed farmer.
Unfortunately, the marriage didn’t last long. The man returned his wife to her family. It turned out; that he had to do the house chores after spending his day in the field because she wouldn’t do them. He even had to do the cooking. Though leaning on the extreme, the situation is a classic example of entitlement borne from bolstered parents’ confidence, overprotectiveness, and love.
Joel L. Young, MD, explained, “It’s challenging to send your child out into a hostile world, knowing he or she may fail, face ridicule, and struggle. Rest assured, children must struggle to grow and learn. Saving your child from consequences and challenges now only ensures he or she will face more challenges down the road.”
Nowadays, hardly a day passes without news of a new danger or threat to children. The worst childhood influence is the media, whose stories often put children at greater risk than what would be considered normal. Television and newspapers are filled with sensationalist stories about how one parent’s examples of bad decisions led to tragedy.
By overprotecting your kids, you’re hindering the development of their decision-making skills.
Limiting their exposure to “good” brings about a myriad of adverse children’s health and mental consequences. Accordingly, there are two kinds of stress – chronic which comes from constant worrying, abuse, neglect, and so on, and acute, that burst of adrenaline we have in response to something frightening, dangerous, or competitive.
The former is constant while the latter is short-lived. The first one is the kind of stress we should steer clear of; the second one is a regular part of our fight-or-flight response. Acute stress is the “good kind of ”
Experts say that with paranoia, we limit their exposure to acute stress, something they need to develop their decision-making abilities and their risk-taking skills. Furthermore, studies show that acute stress factors in brain-building and the development of social behaviors are related to good parenthood. If you limit your kids’ exposure to it, they’ll most likely grow anti-social and hyper-aggressive.
It is fear revisited. One childcare expert recently warned against such practices, noting that even the much-publicized expert advice can’t protect children from everything in the world. The culture of paranoia has caused an overall increase in parental control over activities such as sleep, friends, and fun. But this may be sacrificing our children’s education in the child-rearing process.
It opens kids up to bullying.
Bullies are most likely to target kids who are very dependent on their modern parents, as a result of delusion. Their peers see them as misfits and abnormal making them vulnerable targets. This is a children’s safety issue in this modern society that requires adult supervision.
Remember this: being vigilant and alert is different. Paranoia is fear that’s bigger than the real thing, a warped-up worry. Know your concerns, and moral and cultural attitudes and keep them in perspective. You should also be aware that news portals tend to sensationalize the news and make them appear larger than they seem. It does not often convey only a clear message and sometimes makes this a welcome departure for well-rounded sanity.
Allow your kids a sense of freedom. We have to loosen our reins on our children as they go because, eventually, they’ll leave us to live lives of their own. Don’t prolong the inevitable and avoid becoming overly anxious parents.
Do positive reinforcement in place of scare tactics. We’d word “when you’re lost” instruction this way: “Don’t ever talk to strangers because they’ll snatch you and take you away, and you won’t see Mommy and Daddy ever again.” However, it’s best to use a more positive approach when giving life lessons to our kids. A positive reinforcement sounds like this: “Go to someone who can help you like a security guard, a police officer, or someone who works in the place (like an attendant if it’s a mall).” Let us equip our kids to be smart and street-wise in this world instead of creeping like mice in parental anxiety. Childcare experts suggest allowing only clear messages.
Paranoid parenting has become increasingly common in today’s culture of fear. Parents are taught to see potential threats everywhere, from a visit to the park to their children reading books or watching television. This kind of overprotectiveness can create an environment where children lack basic autonomy and develop a sense of being constantly under surveillance. Moreover, studies conducted at universities have found that children of overprotective parents often struggle with emotional regulation and poorer self-esteem. Ignoring this parental behavior has taught many parents today not to overcontrol their children.
Lastly, If your fears are becoming excessive, talk to someone about it. It could be your church pastor, or you could go to a therapist. If you’re wary of physical counseling, you can seek help online through therapy websites like BetterHelp. Don’t burden your kids with baseless fears that they can bring with them when they grow up. Don’t let your parental paranoia and
delusion affects and hurts your children’s well-being.
Insights And Takeaway
“Being a parent is a balancing act. There is no playbook that can tell us exactly what to do at every step of the journey. We want to avoid doing things for them that they can (or should) do themselves,” reminded Mike Brooks, Ph.D. “While we want to help them succeed, we have to be careful not to live vicariously through them.”
According to new sociological research and theories, in case your paranoia seems to get in the way of such a thing, BetterHelp can be your friend. Visit the company’s social media sites soon.
Frequently Asked Questions
News of the COVID-19 outbreak is everywhere. You can see many updates from the front page of the newspaper to the neighborhood meetings. With the ongoing stressful battle, perhaps you, as a parent, want to know how you can talk about the disease with your kids in a way that it provides reassurance and does not increase the children’s worry. Good thing there are ways to do that. Here are some pieces of advice on how you can talk to children about the Coronavirus.
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Don’t Be Afraid To Discuss The Negativities Of The Disease
Your kids might probably hear about the virus. Perhaps they already asked you a question of why a lot of people are wearing a mask. That is because kids already know something is up, and they want the details of what is entirely happening. As a parent, you must let them know. Do not be afraid to tell them the negativities of the situation. Yes, it can add worry and fear to their minds. But not talking about it may be worse because the kids might feel left out. Thus, they will worry and become more curious. It can lead to the children not following safety measures too. Therefore, use the opportunity to discuss facts with the children and allow them to internalize the situation. That way, you can avoid kids from getting too emotional and exaggerated.
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Be Developmentally Appropriate In Stressful Situations
As a parent, you have to tell kids the situation of the pandemic. However, you must note not to share too much information all at once as it can become too overwhelming for children. So what you need to do is answer their queries clearly and honestly. Avoid sugar-coating the situation because kids might suffer from an emotional burden once they find out that you are lying to them. But it is also okay if you don’t have answers to all their questions. Just tell them honestly that you don’t know anything about it. To have a meaningful exchange of conversation, you can invite your kids and ask them about the things they have heard from who or whatever sources they have. From there, explain the situation and tell them whether the information they get is accurate or not.
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Take Things Slowly But Surely
Discussing the pandemic situation with kids is not only for them to know what is happening around them. But also, for you to correct whatever false information they currently hang onto. It would be best if you allowed the kids to understand that only facts are acceptable and helpful in terms of dealing with the situation right now. Just remember never to ask them questions that can encourage frightened imagination and fantasies. You need to talk to them and give them information one at a time. Do not overflow the kids with the unnecessary details that might not help in dealing with the situation. Also, be consistent in the way you communicate. Use a soft voice and avoid answering kids’ questions with “maybe.”
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Deal With Your Own Mental And Emotional Issues First
You may feel anxious and stress due to the pandemic’s uncertainties. But what you want to do is make sure that you are calm before discussing the situation with your children. You must avoid having a conversation with the kids when you notice that you are feeling a little distressed and anxious for a particular time. It is essential to deal with your emotional and mental issues first before dealing with your children. That way, they will not feel tense or scared. Provide them a comfortable environment and focus on keeping them safe.
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There are a lot of questions right now that a mom like you particularly has about COVID-19. Perhaps you are also one of those parents who are currently experiencing a different level of stress and anxiety due to the situation’s uncertainties. Understandably, you are worried about your family’s safety, especially your kids. That is because they are the most emotionally, physically, and mentally vulnerable during this pandemic time.
About the news you get from the media, you are aware that most infected individuals of the virus are the elderly. Maybe that puts you in a safe level of anxiety, thinking that children have a low risk of getting the Coronavirus infection. However, it does not entirely secure any kids’ health. That is because you only have a limited amount of data of those infected people. And that data is insufficient since you do not get a first-hand experience of what these virus-positive people are going through.
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For sure, you are even unaware that perhaps some of the people around you already have the virus. However, the data of those children with underlying conditions that are at potential risk of obtaining an infection might cause an alert. Some of these conditions that can put children at significant risk are asthma, lung disease, neurological conditions, and so on. So even if you think that children are out of the bracket of potentially being at risk of the illness, you might want to reconsider your assumptions concerning those who suffer from underlying health situation.
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Keeping Children Safe
All people are aware of the public health message that the government and World Health Organizations is providing. That is the reason why all of us are practicing social distancing, even the kids. However, as a mom, the responsibilities don’t stop after you teach your children the things they have to do during this global health crisis. Yes, you can often remind the kids always to wash their hands frequently, cover their mouths, and physically distance themselves from other people. But unfortunately, that is not enough.
Telling kids what they don’t and have to do during this time is challenging. That is especially if that is something that contradicts their intensely social nature. Children understand the situation, and they know the risk of getting an infection. However, not all of them are capable of following strict guidelines. Not all kids can participate in a stringent line of measures because most of them depend on interaction.
So in case that you put pressure on the children’s way of managing the situation, it becomes a problem. That is because instead of you securing their safety, you become the reason for their emotional and mental instability. Perhaps as a mom, you can say that this particular situation is not providing any benefits for you and to your family in a whole lot of instances. Honestly, everyone can agree to that.
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Takeaway
So far, the one bright spot of this global health crisis is that children do not appear to be severely affected by the Coronavirus infection. Some of these kids only suffer mild symptoms of the disease due to their young, healthy immune system. But as a mom, you should not let yourself become overly confident about that. The virus is still spreading to other people, and kids’ are not exempted from getting that.
To keep your family and kids safe during this pandemic time, all of you in the house must understand the importance of the necessary habits you should do regularly. Remind yourself always to be safe than sorry.
Dealing with anxious toddlers is difficult because toddlers are ten times worse than ordinary babies who have tantrums. They have anxiety issues in potty training, eating, listening, and obeying. Toddlers easily meltdown all the time, and that’s because they are so emotional. They don’t know how to control their feelings.
According to Erin Leyba, LCSW, PhD, “Some kids experience anxiety more than others. About 15-20% of kids are born with a more anxious temperament (the amygdala part of their brains are more reactive to novel stimuli from the start).”
As a parent, you will want to do everything to help your child. However, Clark Goldstein, PhD points out, “When children are chronically anxious, even the most well-meaning parents can fall into a negative cycle and, not wanting a child to suffer, actually exacerbate the youngster’s anxiety. It happens when parents, anticipating a child’s fears, try to protect her from them.”
So how do you parent an anxious toddler? Let’s talk about the tips I’m going to share. Here are some broad strokes that are important for you to remember when it comes to parenting.
Teach Them To Express Their Feelings
Toddlers can’t express feelings just like that. Even if you think you know your kid, you don’t. Also, although they have a fantastic vocabulary and can directly tell people what’s on their mind, it doesn’t mean they can already figure out their anxious emotions. As a parent, you can teach them how to express their feelings so they won’t get used to melting down.
Encourage Them To Fight Fears
Letting your toddlers handle stressful situations is good. However, it doesn’t mean you have to throw them into things and expect them to do it when you tell them to. That way, instead of helping kids achieve stable mental and emotional states, you’re only adding pressure and stress. Alternatively, let them discover the things that scare them, provided that you’re going to guide them along the way. You have to be there with them and show them how it’s supposed to get done.
“All too often we teach kids to take deep breaths and to get their “minds off their worries” instead of teaching them how to defeat those thoughts,” explained Natasha Daniels, LCSW. “Distraction only go so far. Parents need to get to the root of the worry and pull out that weed.”
Let Them Explore Their Feelings
It’s usual for some parents to become over-accommodating, but it doesn’t help at all. It only enables toddlers’ anxiety throughout their behavioral, emotional, and mental development. When you don’t allow them to experience agitation, anger, and pain, they will have a difficult time differentiating it from other emotions. Don’t stop them from learning just because you are too afraid that they might get hurt. They need to understand that sooner or later, they will eventually experience the challenges in life.
Acknowledge Their Emotions
When you tell toddlers to get up there and stand on their own, you’re not doing the right thing. You might think that it’s helpful in teaching your child independence, but it’s not. It will only make them feel pushed and feel betrayed. In fact, when you ask toddlers the things that scare them, what gets them mad, and what makes them sad, they won’t be able to answer it in detail. They will have problems connecting their experiences with those questions. As a parent, you need to acknowledge their emotions and know their capabilities as well.
With sensitive and anxious toddlers, the emotions are uncontrollable. The sooner they can tell you that they feel scared, sad, and angry, the more significant changes you can figure out what to do. These tips are not exactly mind-blowing, but all of these are important in handling your baby properly. Do not risk your child’s overall health. Show them the importance of getting out from their comfort zone, and be there to assist them with their needs.
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As a mom, I also have issues with my child for being so stubborn. He always makes himself free of any consequences because he knows I can entirely lose control over his unhappy reactions. I admit, I often fall in his trap because I have so much faith in him that he will change for the better. However, a kid will always be a kid. Somehow it makes me think, is he really under four years old because he seems to know what exactly he wants. He is an expert in manipulation because there is no way he can end up paying for his misbehaviors.
But as soon as I try and observe the ways of my kid, I begin to understand things. Positive parenting is not always about following a perfect disciplinary plan and action. Sometimes, as parents, all we need is a considerable amount of compassion and empathy for our little ones. With that mentality, I can say I now have a better version of my kid. So how did I do it? Here’s how.
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Tips And Guidelines
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Sometimes, we parents do not often see that our child’s stubbornness is not at all inborn. Usually, it is our fault that our kid turns out like that. So before we judge our child’s actions and behavior towards the things around him, let us evaluate how we are as moms.
Yearning to have an amicable and trusting connection with your doctor, financial adviser, or your lawyer as they guide you through crucial, challenging life situations is similar to the principle that applies to your kid’s college counselor.
College counselors are responsible for guiding you, and your high schooler through the rough college admission process, which is why not behaving badly and instead creating a positive and robust relationship with your child’s college counselor is essential.
By following these recommendations, complexities of forming a beneficial relationship can become much less gruesome.
Treat The Counselor As A Qualified Professional
College applications are brimming with arcane requirements and regulations that counselors exert time studying and imparting every detail to their students, which is why the counselor position exists.
Current information regarding financial assistance, application procedure, financial aid, and whatever’s in-between is also beneficial. Aside from carrying out school documents, the counselor is also partly responsible for drafting the institution’s overall assessment of every student. There are a lot of obligations that need to be fulfilled by the counselor even after being constantly reminded. Exhibiting admissive or domineering attitude towards your child’s counselor only depreciates your interactions.
“There is a tremendous lack of services in colleges and universities: On college campuses, the ratio of certified counselors to students overall is about 1:1000 – 2000 for small to moderate size schools, and 1:2000 – 3500 for large universities.” Eugene Beresin M.D., M.A. wrote.
College Counselors Are Friends, Not Foes
Both you and the counselor want what’s best for your child’s school welfare; both of you hope that the eventuality of searching for colleges would turn out successful. There will be moments when the counselor has to divulge painful news like the small likelihood of not being admitted to the college of choice or the reality that your child’s selection of courses may invalidate him or her from specific tiers of universities. Treat that honesty rendered by the counselor as information and not as a form of judgment, then proceed from there. “It’s tempting to be a helicopter parent, but this isn’t the healthiest approach.” Mike Brooks Ph.D. says He adds, “Parenting is a balancing act. There is not a playbook that can tell us exactly what to do on every step of the parenting journey. We want our kids to grow up to be successful and happy. ”
Get To Know Your Child’s Counselor
Make an appointment immediately by directly introducing yourself and casually talking to him or her. This type of meeting can be with or without your child’s presence; it’s ultimately a way to get to know each other without having any urgent dilemmas to deal with. On the other hand, if you or your child have preliminary concerns or special circumstances that must be dealt with, mentioning them during casual visits can be done. Having your initiative to kickstart the process and keep the relationship leveled will alleviate any tension and form a professional bond between you and the counselor. Don’t wait until a crisis is at hand to reach out and talk with the counselor.
Respect And Appreciate The Counselor’s Attention And Time
Schools have dedicated enough resources to have counselors that are mainly focused on diligently working to keep track of student caseloads which range up to hundreds. These counselors are mostly welcoming in answering inquiries via email and phone calls during working hours; therefore, make the most of this hour to get in touch with them. Marty Nemko Ph.D. explains its importance, “The counselor efficiently helps the client with the relevant issues. In the case of a career counselor or coach, it might include choosing a career, identifying strengths and weaknesses to mention in applying for jobs, negotiating compensation, or helping them succeed on the job.”
That said, you have to be aware that college applications are not life-threatening emergencies that require midnight calls especially at their homes. As much as possible, set aside your essential queries in the morning and thwart the urge to call your child’s counselors after work and especially during the weekends. Also, if you sent an email in the evening, don’t expect that you will receive an immediate response no matter how urgent your concerns are. Don’t worry. Counselors usually respond the following day.
Building a pleasant relationship with your teen’s college counselor requires sufficient amount of time, but once you have strengthened those ties, you’ll be grateful to have someone who is knowledgeable and supporting until success on both sides is met.
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As a mom, we often tell ourselves that we know our kids better than others. That is because aside from carrying them for nine long months, we got to take care of them until they learn to walk and talk. We believe that we know better because these children share our same genes and all. But regardless of the entire viewpoint we have, our kids will have this intractable attitude. No matter how calm and open we are about their needs; these little ones will still have a false sense of power over us. Since not all of the children are the same, let us try and understand the different types of children tenacity.
The Stubborn
It is a type of children’s attitude where listening is never an option. These kids get often focused on what they want, and they disregard parenting rules. Stubborn kids know the consequences of their actions. However, they care less of it since they know they can always get away with their misbehavior. They often make people around them, upset every time they are displeased and disappointed. It is as if they want the whole world to suffer every time they are in anguish. These kids are way too susceptible that sometimes even the slightest of things become a big deal for them. They often isolate themselves, and they never accept that they are wrong. They believe that punishment is inappropriate because they assume that everything they are doing is part of their development.
“There are times when we might decide that force is warranted. For instance, most parents have forced a resistant child into a car seat. So, I’m not saying that you won’t, at times, decide that you need to use force. The key is to keep those times to a minimum, because every time we use force, we’re creating pushback later. So if you’re doing this daily, it’s a signal that you need to rethink the situation,” wrote Laura Markham, PhD.
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The Headstrong
Children with a headstrong attitude believe in one thing – themselves. These little kids think they are always in charge of everything. They do not follow the rules because they feel they are the rules. They do not consider others feelings because these kids believe theirs are much more critical. They are often aggressive, and they take things by force too. These kids get easily angry and agitated, as well. In some unfortunate cases, headstrong children get regarded as disrespectful ones because of their dominant attitude towards adults and peers. These children want everybody to agree with them always and will show tantrums when people will not cooperate and go against them.
“Sometimes parents avoid giving strong-willed kids consequences because they don’t want to deal with the aftermath. But strong-willed kids need to develop an understanding of when their behavior crosses the line,” says Amy Morin, LCSW.
The Closed-Minded
Kids that are close-minded causes parent’s to a power struggle. They have this lack of concern towards the things around them. These kids do not show empathy to their friends and siblings and only listens to their parents when they think they have to. These types of children are often smart in creating excuses in spite of whatever circumstances. They listen to their opinions only and do not accept and believe in constructive criticism. They are often selfish and irrational. They think they are smart enough to win an argument with friends, siblings, and even their parents.
Laurie Hollman, PhD, advises parents to “trust your child’s opinions, ideas, thoughts, choices, and want very much to hear them before you throw in your ideas and suggestions. Listening first before you offer any of your own opinions or solutions often leads to your child coming up with his or her own good judgments.”
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Kids’ attitude is something that parents should watch out. If in case it is getting obvious, they should change their parenting way. Because in the end, those children’s misbehavior will become a reflection of failed parenting.
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Kids are not all sweet and charming. We can all agree to that. There are times that they can be so mean, irrational, and very annoying. But what is making the most fuss in parenting is these little ones’ stubbornness. It is as if these kids have control of the world. They do not follow the rules, they ignore consequences, and they don’t listen. But do not worry. There are ways to help moms with dealing with these rascals.
Positive Parenting Tips
Learn To Stay Calm – Yes, one of the best things that moms can do is to stay calm. Since kids’ are not good at regulating their emotions, mothers should not allow their kids’ mood to control theirs. Parents should always have to be in charge of everything. That is especially when it comes to disciplining kids and administering rules. “A calm body is a calm mind. Not the other way around, as most people believe.” says Gayatri Devi, MD. Parents must understand that the quickest way to make stubborn children to listen is to give out a calm response. Taking a deep breath would be okay.
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Remember What To Control – Parents, though they are in an authoritative position, cannot always control things. That is the reason why they sometimes feel upset if they cannot control the little kids. With that, parents must learn to identify the things they can control so that they do not have to put too much power struggle. Remember that moms do not have to argue or convince them to follow specific rules. Mothers have to impose the rules, and that is it.
Try To Empower What Kids Control – Children are in charge of their choices. “Treat kids as the expert in their lives,” Phyllis Fagell, LCPC says But it does not mean parents have to give in to them. They still have the last words as parents and control permission. Empowering what kids control means parents should acknowledge their kids’ authority. They have to make sure that regardless of the children’s desire, the little ones are still aware of the consequences of their actions. Therefore, when something is against the rules, these kids must widely accept punishment. The whole idea is about letting the kids understand their responsibilities too.
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Consider Listening – Yes, instead of moms arguing with their kids, they must first try to listen. Stubborn kids get more engagement when there is an argument because it gives them a false sense of entitlement and power. With that, moms should not get drawn into it. Parents should not allow the little ones to control the adults. Because if they do, these stubborn children will have the confidence in doing things they want without considering anything. Not even rules, punishments, and as well as other people’s feelings will have a value to these kids.
“The most important way to talk so your child will listen is to listen to your child,” says New York City psychoanalyst Gail Saltz, MD, author of several books, including Getting Smart About Your Private Parts. “If they feel listened too, they are more likely to be able to listen and will feel more understood, have more trust, and be more interested in what you have to say.”
When children are in a bad mood, it becomes normal for moms to become angry too. But that should not suppose to happen. Instead, they must focus on empathy. It is by understanding the kids’ feelings. Dealing with stubborn children requires a different parenting dynamic. So instead of trying to build control over the kids, why not use themselves as a model for learning?